American jobs

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in AMERICA.
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On a serious note: purchase products Made in USA and possibly save an American Job.

Politically correct Holiday Greetings

To all the Politically Correct out there:

“Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.”

To Everybody Else:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Satan: Sell Your Soul To Me, Not Microsoft

Fake news written by James Baughn @ Humorix

from the where-do-you-want-to-go-today? dept.

HADES — Faced with growing competition from Microsoft in the lucrative soul-buying market, the Prince of Darkness today unveiled a new advertising campaign hoping to lure in more customers and turn the tables on Bill Gates.

“The Novell-Microsoft deal was the final straw,” Satan said during a press conference at his underground lair. “Novell should have sold their souls to me, not Microsoft. I can offer much greater rewards than some phony-baloney we-promise-not-to-sue covenant. Just look at The SCO Group: they sold their souls to Microsoft and what do they have to show for it now?”

The last few years have been very tough for Satan. “When I look at all of the suckers that have partnered with Microsoft, only to be stabbed in the back repeatedly, I can only shrug my horns,” he lamented. “Those should be *my* customers! Between Microsoft and the Republican Party, the competition is eating me alive!”

During the last three quarters, earnings for Hades have plummeted 45%, causing one stock analyst to downgrade Hades (ticker symbol: HELL) from “Strong Buy” to “Exorcise From Your Portfolio Immediately.” The added competition from Microsoft and others has caused the futures market for souls to skyrocket, cutting profit margins severely for Hades.

“Fire and brimstone ain’t cheap,” Satan growled. “I need cheap souls to perform the grunt work that keeps this place going.”

Nevertheless, the Prince of Darkness hopes that the situation will improve thanks to an advertising blitz highlighting the advantages of selling out.

“Need cash now?” asks one TV commercial. “Don’t mess with high-interest loans… we’ve got the solution to your money problems right here. In just fifteen minutes and with your signature in blood, you can have all of the money you need!”

Another spot proclaims, “You only have one soul — sell it wisely. There’s a reason The Devil has been the market leader for the last two millennia. We offer much better rewards than the competition. Don’t delay, call Hades today! Minions are standing by.”

Industry observers expressed mixed reactions at the news. “I’m glad that we’re seeing such viable competition,” said an analyst for the Blartner Group. “For centuries, mortals have faced the unpleasant challenge of trying to sell their souls in a buyer’s market. All of that has changed now that Satan no longer has a stranglehold.”

However, a rival pundit said, “This is terrible. It’s bad enough that Satan represents pure evil, but now we have a corporation that is even worse! When will the insanity end?”

A slave… er, spokesperson for Microsoft was unavailable for comment at press time.

Microsoft Anonymous: The 12 Steps

Microsoft Anonymous: The 12 Steps

By Debra Ricketts and Claire Wolfe
Originally published by Sierra Times
A terrible addiction grips the world. It invades the most respectable middle-class homes and offices. It causes untold havoc. Yet, in this era when enlightened people understand that even coffee drinking (“caffeine use disorder”) can be a serious disability, this addiction goes unrecognized and untreated. We speak of Microsoft addiction — a dependency that costs its victims billions, first to buy the products to feed their habits, then in damage done by opportunistic viruses that prey on MS-weakened systems. What is Microsoft addiction? It is hopeless dependence on a computer operating system that is more insecure than a junkie in a room full of narcs and more expensive than a hit of heroin. In the end, this addiction strips its users of all privacy and independence. This operating system is controlled by a ruthless multinational software cartel. Once you’re caught in their .net like a drowning dolphin, Microsoft pushers know they can hook you on even more expensive software. Soon, you’re mainlining the hard stuff … stuff like the infamous M$ Office XP — a program that not only costs more than XTC or cocaine, but reports your activities to your pusher, and demands that you get permission to “reactivate” the software simply because you dare to make changes in your system.

The M$ message: We own your computer. We own you. And your little dog, too.

Until now, the future has looked bleak for the ordinary victim hooked on Microsoft. But today, thousands are breaking free — and so can you! — thanks to the 12-step program of Microsoft Anonymous.

Follow these steps and, though you may never be fully cured of Microsoft addiction, you will walk the road of recovery.

If Microsoft Owned McDonald’s

Source: Unknown

1. Every order would come with fries whether you asked for them or not.
2. When they introduce McPizza, the marketing makes it seem that they invented pizza.
3. “A McDonald’s on every block” — Bill Gates.
4. You’d be constantly pressured to upgrade to a more expensive burger.
5. Sometimes you’ll find that the burger box is empty. For some strange reason you’ll accept this and purchase another one.
6. They’d claim the burgers are the same size as at other fast food chains,but in reality it’s just a larger bun hiding the small beef patty.
7. Straws wouldn’t be available until after you finish your drink.
8. “Push” technology — they have McD employees come to your door and sell you Happy Meals.
9. Your order would never be right but the cash register would work perfectly for taking your money.
10. The “Special Sauce” cannot be reverse engineered, decompiled, or placed on more than 1 Big Mac.